


What am I now?

by SeraphStarshine



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Brit Awards 2020, But also not, Canon Compliant, F/M, Falling Music Video, Friendship/Love, Gryles, M/M, Pining, Sad, Stream of Consciousness, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Ending, also caroline but no details, honestly idk what this is, i just have a lot of feelings about gryles okay?, just me spewing me emotions into fanfic, mentions of mesh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22966000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: "and I get the feeling that you'll never need me again..."A stream of consciousness inspired by the Brit Awards 2020 and the Falling music video.
Relationships: Camille Rowe/Harry Styles, Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	What am I now?

Harry likes being ambiguous, especially when it comes to his personal life. He always has. He never speaks directly of past relationships, doesn't name names, just lets people assume and tries not to allow their deductions to get to him.

But over these past few months, he's been more honest than ever before with the release of Fine Line. It's a soul barring album expressing a side of himself that he has yet to show the world, but so many people don't see that. They only take it as face value, letting the true story underlying it all fade into the background while they scream the one name he has let drop.

Camille - they're all focusing on her. That's his fault of course. It's the take he allowed the media to run with, and it's not a lie. Quite a few songs are about her, but not all of them. Obviously Cherry features her voice, but that doesn't mean every single word in every single song is about her, but yet that's what everyone thinks.

And usually, Harry is fine with the misconceptions. Sometimes he likes them. He feels sneaky when he slips in a reference that no one catches onto, like a hidden entity sprinkling his most personal secrets among lyrics featuring strawberries and watermelon. But today, Harry is irritated with himself for not telling more of the truth. He wants people to share in his pain, to understand why he still tears up when he sings certain lines, but he's always been too afraid to reach that level of transparency with his fanbase.

His Falling music video had dropped this morning. It hit 1 million views in something like four hours, which still blows Harry away no matter how many times it happens. But as happy as he is with its success, he's also frustrated, his negative emotions stemming from the comments he keeps seeing regarding his apparent sadness and the supposed cause of it.

 _Camille_ \- everyone blames her. He sees the posts asking how she could hurt Harry so badly, etc., etc. and for some reason, Harry wants to scream at them that they're wrong. They've been duped. They fell for his ruse when he threw the Beachwood Cafe line into a song that mostly had nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend. It was a deflection, a shield to hide his deeper emotions behind, but now Harry wishes he had left the mention of the cafe in Cherry where it originally resided instead of letting his fear get the best of him.

Falling was never about Camille at all, not really. Sure she had hurt him, but not the hurt that stems from Falling. She was the ache in Cherry, the nervous energy in Golden, the bliss in Adore you, but not the emotions in Falling despite what Harry led the world to believe.

Her leaving had stung but it had been expected. Everyone who enters Harry's life leaves soon after it seems. Harry had brief moments of hope that they might stick it out longer than most, but deep down he had known they weren't truly meant to be.

It's difficult to totally commit to a partner when he's still in love with someone else and Harry's heart has been taking for years...

...by Nick.

Nick is the one who won't forget what he said. Nick is the one who doesn't seem to want him around. Nick is the one he writes too many songs about. Nick is the one who left rooms full of unpacked baggage in Harry's head. He's the one who doesn't seem to need Harry anymore or, and _that's_ what hurts Harry more than anything.

Harry knows it's not all Nick's fault. He admits that in the song even if drinking and infidelity are less to blame than his inability to stay in one place and his failure to show Nick how important he was - _is_ \- to him before it was too late.

And he truly is too late. Now Nick has Mesh who is the perfect boyfriend and supports Nick in ways Harry never could and honestly - he _hates_ that. Not Mesh himself, and not the fact that Nick has someone, just that it's not him.

In fact, so much of To Be So Lonely is about Nick and Mesh, but Harry's also convinced the world that it's about Camille as well, which is what he wanted originally. He doesn't want to paint Nick with the colors of an enemy, and he and Camille had both spoken at length about her role on the album. She had been more than happy to play the villain, not that she deserves that role either, but she knew Harry needed a scapegoat.

Harry had been scared of being so open with his emotions, and Camille had been happy to help him shoulder that burden even after they had split. She's amazing, Harry still loves her, but in a different way than Nick. He doubts he'll ever love anyone the way he loved Nick again if he's being truthful with himself.

Nick doesn't love him back though, not anymore. Harry has to keep reminding himself of that fact. Harry cringes to himself as he recalls their last argument, during which Nick told him to stop living in the past, that he needed to let him go before they both end up hating each other.

And at the end of the day, Nick didn't do anything wrong. Harry doesn't think he did either, but that doesn't change the fact that they are no longer what they once were to each other. Something shifted within their relationship, a subtle crack turned into a massive rift that now rivals an ocean that constantly strives to keep them apart.

Seeing him at the Brits had been strange. Harry knew it would most likely happen, he'd been prepared for it, but then _Caroline_...and he'd changed his performance from Adore You to Falling at the last moment to fit the more somber tone. He almost forgot about Nick in his grief, just for a moment, but he didn't think of Nick as he picked out his lace outfit and changed the set plan for the new song choice.

So he'd ended up belting his innermost thoughts at an audience of one that has no idea the song is about him. It had been so hard not to cry, and it was made even worse because no one understood what Falling truly meant to him.

That had been the start of his frustration.

Because Harry doesn't truly care what everyone thinks...just _Nick_. At first, Harry wondered if Nick was avoiding the obvious fact that Harry was singing to him. He of all people should catch the subtle nuances to the song, yet he hadn't seemed to understand the heartfelt message that Harry was all but yelling at him, his voice cracking as he strained to push the meaning of his words into Nick's skin so maybe then they'd seep into his mind.

He'd watched Harry's performance, he'd clapped politely at the end, but that was it. He didn't act affected by what he had heard, not like when he first listened to Sign of the Times, or even From the Dining Table. He was a blank slate as far as Harry could tell.

Harry had to take some time after his performance had ended to pull himself together. Luckily, changing clothes has always been an ordeal for him, so no one had commented on how long he took to reappear. When he thought he was sufficiently calmed, Harry had taken the hardest steps of his life in Nick's direction, determined to face the man who he just poured his heart out to on stage.

But even after when they'd spoken in person for the first time in far too long, it had felt wrong, like meeting an almost stranger for a second time, as if Nick was someone he'd met once at some old promo whose name he recalls but not his mannerisms. It's never been like that with Nick, not even during their first encounter. They had always clicked, even when Harry had been a blushing child who didn't know who he was yet and Nick's quiff had appeared to defy gravity.

But not now. Their bond has been broken...perhaps forever. Harry has no idea how to fix it, in fact, he hadn't even tried. They'd just talked for a bit while Harry had attempted not to cling too tightly to Nick's hand. He'd started when Nick placed his palm over his, then immediately chastised himself for it. Friends hold hands, it means nothing, and it most likely will never mean anything ever again.

Still, it's the first time in ages that Harry had spoken with Nick alone...well, without Mesh that is. Harry had a brief hope that maybe something would click again, that Nick would remember how good things had been, that he'd perhaps invite Harry out with him just like the good all days when he'd join the straight through crew and they'd spent the night laughing into each other's shoulders and stealing kisses when no one was looking, but _no_. None of that happened.

They had a brief chat, a good one, albeit sad. They had spoken of Caroline and how they were dealing before moving onto other things. It was nice, but it wasn't what Harry had wanted. So he'd gotten drunk and partied all night, allowing Gemma and Lizzo distract him while he tried not to let it show on his face that he wished he was with Nick instead.

And then Nick had left. Gone off on some adventure for Sports Relief that Harry had never heard of until he tried to ring Nick up only to get his voicemail which informed him of his absence. This would never have happened if they were still _them_. Nick would have been going on about it since the moment he heard of it, and Harry would have to bribe him to shut up about it. In fact, Harry's sure it has been all he's talked about lately, but he isn't privy to that part of Nick's life anymore.

In a way, Harry is almost glad Nick is out of reach, that way he can't embarrass himself by clinging onto him like it's 2014 instead of 2020. His presence wouldn't be wanted. Not when Nick has Mesh. Harry doesn't fit into his flat or his life anymore. He's been pushed out, slowly but surely, and one conversation at the Brit Awards isn't going to change anything.

So that leads Harry to where he's at now, moping alone in his place in London as the Falling music video gains more views by the second. He's sharing his pain with literally millions of people and _still_ no one understands. It's not like he can really tell anyone how he's feeling minus Jeffrey and the few others who know the ins and outs of his and Nick's _thing_. They don't want to hear it either though, they know what transpired, and they've run out of advice, everyone who is privy to their situation has.

Because there is nothing to be done. Nick is happy without Harry and that is a fact that Harry has to learn to live with. Now he just has to take his own words to heart and figure out who he is without Nick in his life. He doesn't like himself as much, he misses what they used to be, but now he has to move on.

Ten years have passed in the blink of an eye and the one person who Harry could always count on to catch him when he falls isn't there anymore. _That_ is what Falling is about, no matter what everyone else thinks. Harry won't change their minds, won't throw Nick into the spotlight, but right now, he wishes the plethora of people mourning his pain while watching his video actually knew what it was about.

Their story is still immortalized though, whether anyone knows or not, _Harry_ does. Falling is about Nick, along with so many other songs. Harry has woven their relationship among his entire solo career, as well as many of the songs he wrote for One Direction as well. They might not be remembered in a traditional fashion, but they won't be forgotten either.


End file.
